This isn't limited to daughters, as, without a shadow of a doubt, sons can suffer equally in this domain. But girls are the predominant sex suffering from these issues, so that is the sex I am going to refer to.
Children look up to people, it may be a parent, an older sibling, a favourite friend, but we all have that someone that we were in awe of as a child. They were perfect, beautiful, clever. For me, it was my sister. There was no one more beautiful on the planet. I would hide under the sofa bed in her room to watch her try dresses on. Every single one was stunning on her, and there was no other person on earth that I wanted to be. Just her. Beautiful, tall, slim, classy. She was the epitome of perfection in my eyes.
My sister may dispute this. I am sure that, as a teen, she had her own fair share of issues, however, as her younger sister, I never saw this. I just saw beauty. And slim. For me.... that was it. Slim. She was slim, and sporty and loved exercise, I was the opposite. Fat and lazy. When I look back, I wasn't that fat, and I wasn't that lazy, but in my eyes, I was grossly overweight and utterly useless at sport.
I have never had an eating disorder. I tried a few times, a genuine try because I desperately wanted to have an eating disorder. I shoved my fingers down my throat more than once, but nothing happened. I starved myself, but it never lasted long. I am not an addictive person, I gave up cigarettes (just after uni) without a problem, I didn't drink home alone till I hit my 40's (that might be a problem now, but that's not what this blog is about). And starving myself wasn't an addiction I managed to claim either. Having said that, I know plenty of people who have accumulated some kind of eating disorder without realising it. And this is being transmitted to your daughters because they look at you the way I looked at my sister. You are perfection. Whatever you do/say/eat is right.
There are dozens of eating disorders, I'm going to talk about three that are common in my friends' circle (they would all deny it were I to confront them). : Orthorexia (controlling what you eat), Compulsive exercise and Body dysmorphia.
Orthorexia : an obsession with only eating foods that you consider healthy. i.e. you claim you're allergic/intolerant to something when you're not but you want to have a less fattening meal. I have friends who claim to be gluten intolerant at restaurants until they've had 2 glasses of wine. Then the gluten seems to be ok. I also have friends with Crohns - their gluten intolerance is real and dangerous. They aren't always taken seriously because of the hundreds of people 'pretending' to be intolerant in order to eat less/healthier. I went to a restaurant last year with a Crohns sufferer. I asked the manager what was gluten free. He showed me a menu with little signs next to the gluten free options. I said wow that's cool, you have lots of options! I started to order stuff (it was an order at the counter type place). He said.... well is she 'really' intolerant? I replied - yes, she has Crohns and it is a serious and dangerous intolerance - why? OH ! he said and produced another menu that eliminated half of what he had said was gluten free.
I actually don't blame the guy. He has had so many 'gluten-free' people in there who actually want to say 'no carb'. He did realise that some people genuinely needed 100% gluten-free and he had done his homework. What we got to eat was limited, but safe. He knew that some seemingly innocent things can be dangerous/uncomfortable for true sufferers. (who knew that sushi rice was washed in vinegar that contains tiny amounts of gluten?). But the majority of people demanding gluten-free are not Crohn's sufferers, they are orthorexics.
There is a similar thing that I don't have a name for - but I see women feeding their kids whilst they starve themselves. They encourage their kids to eat doughnuts, pancakes and sweet treats and the kids go nowhere without a snack. Rewards are always food. Overordering in restaurants 'just in case' someone wants one chip, or a piece of that type of cake. Then the orthorexic picks at things whilst her kids get used to those enormous portions. Mama feels happy - her hunger is assuaged by her children's appetites. She doesn't' see them get fat, just as she doesn't see herself get thin. She's a good mum as long as her kids are constantly eating. Maybe its orthorexia by proxy.
Compulsive exercise: we all know one of these. I'm going to skin up the mountain because I had a fondue yesterday! Or..... I have to be at the gym by 5am because I ate dessert yesterday. Or worse - my child had pizza for dinner and I ate a slice - I'd better not eat tomorrow.
Now don't get me wrong, us westerners are suffering from mass obesity and I am the worst offender. Portion control is important, meals should be spaces sensibly (without constant snacking), exercise is good and necessary as we become more and more sedentary. BUT - exercising manically every time you feel that you overindulged (when you probably didn't) is obsessive behaviour. I know tons of these people. Some are aware of it, most aren't,
Body dysmorphia: Now I am a chunky girl, I've been fatter, I've been thinner. I hate my body as much as the next person. BUT I have learned to accept it. I realise I am not genetically blessed in that department, but having been both grossly overweight (117 kg) and super slim (it was a brief but enjoyable period of my life), I feel that I have the right to speak out. The skinny minnies with their skinny minny genetics can shut the fuck up. Seriously. SHUT UP. YOU'RE SKINNY. You always have been, your mother was, your sister is, you put on 3 kg once in your life for like 2 months, Shut. The. Fuck. Up. You have no clue. Stop trying to tell us fatties how to get slim through willpower. Your willpower is genetic. As is our desire to chomp all day long.
What I am trying to say is that these skinny minnies have the worst body dysmorphia. I take a selfie and I look like shit. I expect to look like shit but it is still a shock. The skinny minnies - who look bloody fabulous at all times of the day - only post pics of themselves at their absolute skinniest, without an arm flap or hint of secondary chin. My favourite is the profile pic of them looking away from the camera shyly, in a contorted position to show maximum skinny arm and bony collar bone. Like anyone ever took a random pic of their friend in that position without being asked to. Then they post that weirdo pic of themselves (note the person who took it never posts it) with the caption 'love yourself, be yourself' or some other such bollocks. I'd probably love myself if I weighed 50 kg and had razor-sharp collar bones. Easy to bloody love yourself when you can do a handstand in front of a sunset and still convince your long-suffering other half (who would most probably appreciate a bit more arse to grab) to take a pic of you with just the right amount of filter to hide that teeny tiny piece of cellulite on your left inner thigh.
These peoples social media posts, irritating as they are, aren't the problem because I can delete them. Boom. Gone. But their daughters are soaking up this information. Mum is always telling her friends how fat she is, Mum is really upset about missing her botox appointment (she thinks I don't know she has botox, but my friend told me that her mum said that my mum does). Mum is upset because in confinement her jeans have become too tight - she tells daddy every day. Mum needs to go to a spa to lose 5 kilos or she won't be able to go on the beach this summer. Mum is having surgery next month when I'm at grandmas because her boobs drooped when she was pregnant with me. Mums lips look way different to how I remember them when I was a little girl. Mum - why do you think you look like shit? I think you're beautiful.
Your kids are clever. They see you spend hours each week on tweaking yourself. They look at your fake lashes/brows/boobs and that is what they think is perfect, and then you tell them - no darling - YOU are beautiful. But that's a lie because you looked like them once yet still you insisted on slicing and dicing and injecting yourself to look 'better'.
I'm not judging your inflated lips or your shiny forehead, I've had my fair share of tweaks in the past. But please just remember how beautiful your mother/sister/aunt/friend was/is to you, and remember that your daughter thinks you are the most beautiful, stunning person on earth. In showing her your weaknesses, you are encouraging her to a lifetime of the same. Think how crushed you will be when your 17 yr old comes home with lip fillers/botox. But then she saw you with the same..... yeah you were older, but does that matter? Not one little bit. You hating your adult self will lead to your daughter hating her perfect younger self.
Accept your imperfections, embrace your anomalies and enjoy your lines that represent your fulfilled life. Remember loving your grandma and her wrinkles when she smiled. How comforting her grey hair and polyester lap were? Are you going to be the Grandma who can't move her face? who is trying to look younger than her daughter?
Posting filtered selfies shows your daughter that you don't think your actual self looks good enough. Snapchat filters? Realistically you don't think the bunny ears are cute, you enjoy that every blemish on your face is smoothed into Disney perfection. Taking 2 hours to choose an outfit? It's showing her that you hate your body whilst you mention how nothing fits anymore. Telling your friend on the phone how fat you got in confinement? Your kids are listening. I have body issues, and I have a few close friends who have worse body issues. Most of us can now relate this back to things our mothers unwittingly did or said. Telling your daughter how beautiful she is isn't enough. Lead by example we are told over and over again. Show her that you think you're beautiful too. Because you are.
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