Internet dating.....

-I have tried internet dating in the past with limited success. My worst ever relationships with narcissistic, gaslighting, controlling men were both from the internet. Not apps as we know them today, but from me searching as opposed to me meeting someone randomly and dating them. My app-based dating tends to go from the mundane to the catastrophic. Then I delete them all, wait two years and try again. My eternal optimism was buoyed recently by a friend who was dating up a storm and seemingly enjoying it although she has found no-one of any significance and is also pretty much over it now. Anyway, I launched myself a couple of weeks ago on 'Meetic' which is the French equivalent of Match (I think).

This blog could go on for hours about the trials and tribulations of internet dating.... but I'll stick to one subject. Men's profiles. Now I am well aware that there are different strokes for different folks, but here are a few things that drive me nuts when looking for a prospective 'match'.

• Never smiling. If you're the broody type, put just one photo up - because if you put 10 photos up of you scowling in what you apparently think is a sexy manner, I am just thinking that you're a grumpy sod.

• Motorbikes. 50% of the men have photos of them astride a motorbike. Or sometimes just a photo of the motorbike! Yes you think you look studly astride some big engine. All I see is macho man whose idea of a perfect weekend is cruising around winding roads with some female perched on the back, sweating in leathers in the height of summer, clinging for their dear life whilst seeing nothing but your greying ponytail.

• What you don't want. This is a favourite for French men. Pas de prises de tête. This phrase can mean a multitude of things none of which are positive. No sulking/arguing/nagging/hassle/headaches. Listen up guys - none of us think we are nagging pains in the arse. No woman is going to read that and think 'oh, I'd better swipe left because I just love a good argument with my man'. What we are reading is - I just want you to shut up and meet my masculine needs as and when I choose. Literally half the men list what they don't want - it's not endearing, it just shows that you're battered, bruised, pissed off and negative.

• You say 'hello'. Or worse. 'Coucou' (it's a French thing and I'm not sure why I hate it so much but I do). And nothing else. Then you wait. An hour, sometimes longer. And then you launch a tirade of abuse - why don't you reply? why aren't you there? all you women are the same, never replying!. Well I dodged a bullet there didn't I? Maybe your opening line of 'Hello' just didn't inspire a response out of me. Come on guys, think of something to say.

• Fake names. Why? Literally - why? Calling yourself Fox 06. I just don't get it.

• Photos. OK I know that women are the worst culprits when it comes to photoshopped pics but seriously guys - putting some grainy photo from 1988 when you have jet black hair as your profile photo when your age today is clearly 57 isn't doing you any favours. Or some pic taken in front of your fridge. Or one where you've chopped off your wife/kids. Jeez - make an effort! We're in the south of France, it's not tough to find a nice view and get someone to snap you in front of it!

• Topless pics. I'm hunting in the 50-60 age group and I don't want to see you naked until I absolutely have to. I don't care how ripped you think you are or how virile you think your hirsute chest is, you're over 50 and it freaks me out. If you do happen to look like Daniel Craig then chances are I will think you are posting someone else's pic, or that I am not hot enough for you. A beach topless holiday pic might be acceptable, but the selfie'd torso with your grubby bathroom, or worse kitchen (!) in the background gets you swiped away.

• Too many emoticons. I love an emoticon. But if you put a sun/plane/boat/smiley/heart after every sentence I'm thinking it's a scam and you're actually from Nigeria not Beaulieu-sur-Mer. 😍

• Phone numbers. When the first message I receive is 'I don't like messaging, here's my number let's talk/facetime and exchange photos.' Errrrr no. I am NOT giving you my phone number until I've done a minimum of basic text chats with you. Shows me that you're super impatient and just want to work out asap whether you fancy me or not.

• Age. You're 70 and you're looking for someone between 24 and 55. Then you complain about all the women scammers on these apps. Well ahem...... if she's 28 and she's attracted to you then she's lying. If you choose to fall for it - don't blame the rest of us. If you're 70, maybe search for a 70 yr old? If you're 70 and you want a 24 yr old, there are places you can go and pay for your fulfilment.

• Sex. They try to do this in a 'cute' way. 'Looking for friendship or maybe more.' Using words like spicy, open-minded, liberal, the list is endless. WE KNOW YOU WANT SEX - you really don't have to point it out and if you do point it out, it looks like you ONLY want sex. Again, I speak for myself, and I would love to have a happy healthy sex life in my latter years, but right now I am not looking or feeling my sexiest (i don't care how hot you are, none of us feel like a sex kitten at 53) and like many other menopausal women we can slip into sexual hibernation quite easily if we don't have a significant other poking us (literally) out of it from time to time. So when you mention sex in your intro, and drop it lightly into the conversation within minutes of us chatting, it makes me want to delete. Make no mistake, if you awake this hibernating bear, you may end up begging for mercy, as this bear will be very very hungry when she crawls out of her hibernation but in order for me to feel secure enough to leave my cosy cave I need proper conversation, quite a bit of flirting, drinks and dinner on more than one occasion.

So I will delete the app once more. And for those of you who tell me 'you've got to get out there and try' - well I do. And I fail. And that's ok.