I've been single most of my adult life. Unfortunately. Even when I've not been single, I've never really made it to the point of communal living coupledom. It has never been 'Carla and Fred/Dave/Christophe'. It's just Carla. Which is fine, I would prefer to be in a couple, but hey..... I'm used to it, and in the grand scheme of things I've been lucky in so many other ways. 'You can't have it all' as they say.
Over the past 20 years, most of my friends are married or with long term partners and growing up kids. When we get to catch up, they want to escape their day to day family life and that means leaving hubbie at home.
As 'the single friend' I am the preferred option for a girls night out, girls weekend, girls trip. And we have many amazing times. But sometimes, I don't want to be with just girls. Being single means that I don't get to spend down time with men very often. To just sit and chat and talk to men. But my girlfriends want to leave their men at home. They're bored and want a break from the day to day routine with their bloke.
To be fair, I am offered coffee/lunch dates. But telling you my latest crisis whilst Molly is trying to rip your shirt off to feed, or asking your opinion on something with your eye is on Billy on the climbing frame isn't fun. I love kids, I love your kids (well most of them) but I love you more. I want you to be chilled and enjoying the outing as much as I, and if your kids are there - that's not happening.
Kids aside, or grown, and I am still forgotten. The dinner parties, or weekends away, or shared holidays always seem to be with Anna and Mike, Dave and Sybille, Martha and Tim. Well.... I hear you say - they also have kids, and the kids play together, but that isn't always true. The younger kids sit on ipads watching youtube and the older kids sit on their phones creating TikToks. Yes, I am exaggerating, but not that much. Would I ruin the evening? I'd like to think not, but I don't enter the thought process. I don't have kids - I'm not part of 'the gang'.
And I am the worst offender. 'Don't worry about me', I hear myself say, I'm used to being alone. True. But still it shouldn't define me. Or.... you go have fun! I'll look after your dog! I love the dogs, I have fun with the dogs, I'm good with the dogs and the dogs love me, But sometimes I'd like a human to talk to.
I recently looked after a dog. They offered me payment. I declined and said - just take me out for dinner. I got back - ok I'll take you for lunch. It was a bit of a blow. Am I not dinner worthy? Am I an embarrassment maybe? Do you actually not want to spend time with me? Should I be questioning my personality? Surely I'm not that bad or you wouldn't want me to look after your dog even.
A close friend is coming to visit her old haunt - we all want to see her. Yet I feel myself slipping into 'I'll just see you when anyone else can't'. Because I'm less important aren't I? I don't have kids to look after, I don't have a husband who comes first because he's paying for my lifestyle. I don't have trips or holidays planned. I just have me. So surely that should make me more important? Strangely enough it doesn't.
I'm struggling to write this as I know some friends will see themselves in it. And trust me, this isn't a slight against any of them, it is MY fault entirely for taking on this role of lesser being. I've been thinking this since the late 90's when I first realised that I wasn't being included in dinners that previously I had always been to. I have made myself invisible, I have become the dogsitter, I have stayed the chunky, frumpy friend who isn't quite glamorous enough to be included in grown up events.
And I'm outspoken, I've called people out on it. And I get 'oh well you're so busy' (really? or yes I'm busy as I have to pay my own bills), or 'oh we didn't think you'd want to drive that far' (maybe but you'll never know what I think if you don't ask....). But I've seen on their faces that it's just that they had forgotten me in their coupled up lifestyle. I'm sure I would be the same had my life panned out differently,
I've nearly always had homes with guest rooms and invited people for weekends and holidays. I have a tendency to choose homes in very sought after spots so my success rate on invitation acceptance is high. But I can count the people who've invited me back for a mini break on one hand. I'd like to think that I am a respectful house guest. I know that 3 nights are the maximum anyone wants you in their house (me included) so I stick to that rule.
So what is the point of this rant? Awareness. Just as you teach your kids to be aware of the kid who's a bit different or struggles to fit in, how you encourage them to share and be kind, maybe you adults need to flick through your phone books occasionally and look for the people you haven't emailed in a while. Pick up the phone, have a chat, make that single friend feel needed and wanted and, most importantly... not forgotten because he/she didn't manage to achieve the family that we all expect to have.
In my to do list, once every fortnight it says 'call a random friend'. And I fail at that task regularly. And I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that, but it's true. So zero judgement here, I am no better. But I will try. I really will try.
Remember your single friends.
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