I have a friend, a good friend, a close friend, a friend who would do anything for me and vice versa. But she lacks compassion, maybe that's not the right word, as in the right circumstances she is full of compassion. But often, she seems to just not have any, at least for me.
Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely capable of making the same mistake as her, as are most of us. We all let meaningless phrases escape our lips and then think 'why did I say that?'. Although some people don't have the afterthought, they just expel the mindless phrases. This is one phrase I hear a lot. And I mean A LOT.
'You'll be fine.... you always are.' And it's not the 'you'll be fine' that hurts as it's mostly true, it's the 'you always are'. Because I know that I will be fine. I always am. But sometimes I'd like some sympathy or empathy. I'd like you to join my pity party and just let me vent. Because I do that for you ..... all the time. I listen as you cry, I soothe and calm and roll my eyes when you can't see me on the other end of the phone. I also try to solve and help and find solutions.
These people often distance themselves after a while.... blaming me. It's my fault because I've changed, I don't understand, I don't care. Well maybe it's because YOU don't care, maybe I have run out of 'care' because I get none back. Maybe I'm fed up of trying to help you and your woes because my woes are consistently ignored as irrelevant or inconsequential compared to yours.
When I choose to vent my own problems or have my own pity party, 'you'll be fine' is not what I need to hear. I KNOW I WILL BE FINE. I would like you to let me rant just like I listen to you rant. Friendships are about give and take and it is often uneven and that is fine. But if someone needs a friendly ear for a decade, and then their listener has the odd breakdown moment, cutting her short with a 'you'll be fine' can be incredibly hurtful. They listened to your troubles for years, troubles that are often 'more important' because you have kids, or a husband, or whatever.
A few years ago, I was moaning about something insignificant to a good friend, and then I stopped short, remembering that my circumstances were inconsequential compared to hers. I apologised. She told me..... it's not a competition as if it was, I would always win. (She had, to be fair, had some tragic years). Her benevolence knew no bounds. She said 'we all have our shit, and just because mine is officially worse than yours, it doesn't mean that yours isn't shit too'. This has stuck with me not only for its wisdom, but for its generosity at a time when truthfully her shit knew no bounds.
So I have tried to remember that. We all have our shit, no matter how fickle it may seem to others, and so, as a friend, please respect that and offer whatever you can even if it just a sympathetic ear. And I will do the same for you (even if I eyeroll occasionally when you can't see me).
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